The need to lean and my need to learn how to lean....

Yes, finally I get some time to blog! It has been a crazy month.  I am one week post surgery, and thanks to all the ladies that kept me in prayer.  The day of surgery I woke up and was pretty calm, I didn't even shed a tear that morning and was just ready to get it over with.  I have a pretty big cut on my lower neck from the surgery, I am praying it heals good and that the scarring wouldn't be bad.  Other then that my mom has been here with me, taking care of the kiddies, I cant lift for another week, which has been hard for me not to do, lets just say I have gotten so much rest and hands off time, my mom had done EVERYTHING for me.  The first couple of days I was taking it all in, resting up as much as I could but it wasn't soon enough that I started getting antsy and was ready to take care of my family and home.

So, here I am 11pm, I was already tucked in my bed ready to fall asleep, but these last few nights there has been a huge weight on my heart and mind.  One of these nights, I was laying in bed and the fear of death gripped me out of nowhere, at first I thought I took medicine the wrong way and overdosed myself or something, by the way I will never take pain killers again! lol  But, then as I layed in bed my body became numb, I couldnt move and I tought to myself surely I am dying.  The moment I snapped out of it, I new it was a demonic presence, and began to pray, feeling much better I was able to fall back asleep.

I have never felt anything like that, the feeling and thought that surely I was close to dying...I dont know what it all means, but what I do know is that my faith and hope is being attacked.  The fear of dying, and leaving my babies behind, or the fear of losing them and my husband.  Yesterday, tornadoes struck an area just 15 min from my house, the sirens were going off, and I was extremely panicked, I felt like throwing up, all the what if's kept creeping in...

What if a tornado hits us? how do I protect my family??
What if I die? but my babies need me!
What if my babies die?  How could I live without them!
What if Grace gets scared?  I don't want to see her scared or panicked, I want her to be happy always!
What if where Moe is gets hit? He is far from us!
What if he dies? What will I do??

Seriously, you might think I am nuts right now...and yes at the moment I was...where was my faith?? where was my hope? Faith in the very God  who holds the stars His hands? The very God who created this world?  The one who has the power to do ANYTHING!! where was my faith and why can't I just trust?!?!

It is a battle between all that I know and all that I believe.  I know God is all knowing, He is all powerful, He is the protector and the defender of my family, and He knows my life and my families life from beginning to end. I know that I must live as one with hope, hope in Him.  I just feel like I am getting attacked but I refuse to live a life of fear, I want to walk in full confidence in God and in all that He is...I desire to not only know but to believe all that His word says He is...

These last couple of nights, as I layed in bed, talking with God, expressing my heart (even though he already knows it) I ask for His help, and lean as much as I can...God is really all we have in this life...I know that I, as a woman, mother and wife can only survive in this life by trusting, hoping, leaning and living for Jesus Christ....I long so deeply for that peace...and I must learn to LEAN!


Have any of you mommas felt the same way? or am I the only weirdo out there!! ;)

Strengthening our foundation in Jesus

Last night Moe and I were talking.  He was sharing his heart with me on his relationship with God, and how he feels about being the head and priest of the home. I love how honest and open he is with me, sometimes I have to set aside things that cross my mind and ask God to give me his heart for my hubby so that I can better encourage him.  We talked about having vision, he shared his deep desire to lead us as a family to Jesus and of his need of Him.  Most of the time we are feeling the same way, it is like we are in tune with one another. 

As we talked we realized how much we lacked more of Jesus in our own personal life.  Yes, I strive to teach Grace & Joshua about Jesus, doing devotional time, playing worship music and setting the atmosphere,  but I get so consumed with the reality that my kids need God so much, and how I want to raise them in the ways of the Lord that I tend to neglect my own need of Him.  I need more knowledge of who Jesus is in order to not only teach Grace and Joshua but to train them, and most importanly to be able to affectivly with Moises lead our children.

What is our vision? What are our goals? Where do we want to be in 5 yrs or even 1yr? What is the root reason for confusion, or lack of vision? these are all questions we asked ourselves last night...the only answer we had was MORE OF JESUS. If we lack a strong foundation of the person of Jesus Christ then we will have no vision, we will feel like we have no purpose and we will NOT know where to lead our children.   We need our foundation to be strengthen, to be built on solid ground, and our faith to be strengthened so that in return our vision as individuals and as a family can be strengthened as well..

Lord give us the ability to love you, spark our hearts, return us to our first love...We need our hearts alive, we need to know You, apart from You there is no good in us, Jesus preserve us, refresh us and help us lead our family into the knowledge of You.

New home, new goals...praise Jesus for fresh beginnings!

It has been a crazy wk.  We finally closed on our house last Wednesday, I had a blog post ready for you all that same day but for some reason it wouldn't let me upload pics of my house, so I just gave up lol  So a little update, Yes, we are home owners!!! It feels so good, and I feel so blessed, God led us to the perfect house! The house was in amaizing condition, the seller was a believer and the sweetest lady ever! I was just amaized at how smooth the process was.  We spent all weekend and all of Monday painting the inside of the house, every bedroom and the living room are all nicely painted and we are officially ready to move in all of our stuff!!

How were we able to manage with two little kids?!? Well, I have the best babies ever, they were such troopers!! we painted the entire house with them right there with us.  It was a challenge but Grace was obedient and behaved awesome, and Joshua as long as he was fed and held for some time on and off  was happy too.  Grace took long naps, which was a huge surprise because she will not sleep anywhere but in her crib, that showed me that she felt peaceful enough in the house to take her naps. =) Every morning  she woke up say "house, house".  She loves it and I cant wait to wake up every morning there.

Well I have been thinking alot, now that we are moving into a new house, I have a clean slate, I can really make my home a place where the fragrance of Jesus dwells.  I want to make new goals, both in the spiritual and in the natural.  I am already afraid of failing! but never the less I shall lean on Jesus to help me! Here are some of my new goals

• Make Jesus the first priority in our family. ( faithful devotional time in the mornings and with daddy before bed, prayer room time...etc)
• Eat all natural foods and start making my own baby food.
• Go on daily walks with the kids. Mainly so I can get some exercise.
• Minimize the use of the TV. 
• Make my own all natural cleaning products ( I think it's safer for the kids)
• Put Joshua on a more consistent sleeping schedule. ( He is not the best napper)
• Keep my house smelling nice and as clean as possible. 

This seems like so much to me....and scares me but they are just goals, something to aim at! 

With all that said, I prob wont be able to blog much this month, I wanted to start my study on Mary the mother of Jesus and I just haven't had the time to really sit and meditate but I will.. May is an insane month so please keep our family in your prayers.

Two main things to pray for are:  A smooth transition while moving everything to our house, and for my thyroid surgery this month! I am not thrilled and will prob cry the day of but I am asking God to give me dreams and visions while I am asleep during the whole thing.

OK! I have an entire apartment to try and pack and I have done NOTHING yet! lol Thank you all for
your prayers!

Here is my house =) and yes that is me hugging it! =) Glad this thing let me upload it!