The need to lean and my need to learn how to lean....

Yes, finally I get some time to blog! It has been a crazy month.  I am one week post surgery, and thanks to all the ladies that kept me in prayer.  The day of surgery I woke up and was pretty calm, I didn't even shed a tear that morning and was just ready to get it over with.  I have a pretty big cut on my lower neck from the surgery, I am praying it heals good and that the scarring wouldn't be bad.  Other then that my mom has been here with me, taking care of the kiddies, I cant lift for another week, which has been hard for me not to do, lets just say I have gotten so much rest and hands off time, my mom had done EVERYTHING for me.  The first couple of days I was taking it all in, resting up as much as I could but it wasn't soon enough that I started getting antsy and was ready to take care of my family and home.

So, here I am 11pm, I was already tucked in my bed ready to fall asleep, but these last few nights there has been a huge weight on my heart and mind.  One of these nights, I was laying in bed and the fear of death gripped me out of nowhere, at first I thought I took medicine the wrong way and overdosed myself or something, by the way I will never take pain killers again! lol  But, then as I layed in bed my body became numb, I couldnt move and I tought to myself surely I am dying.  The moment I snapped out of it, I new it was a demonic presence, and began to pray, feeling much better I was able to fall back asleep.

I have never felt anything like that, the feeling and thought that surely I was close to dying...I dont know what it all means, but what I do know is that my faith and hope is being attacked.  The fear of dying, and leaving my babies behind, or the fear of losing them and my husband.  Yesterday, tornadoes struck an area just 15 min from my house, the sirens were going off, and I was extremely panicked, I felt like throwing up, all the what if's kept creeping in...

What if a tornado hits us? how do I protect my family??
What if I die? but my babies need me!
What if my babies die?  How could I live without them!
What if Grace gets scared?  I don't want to see her scared or panicked, I want her to be happy always!
What if where Moe is gets hit? He is far from us!
What if he dies? What will I do??

Seriously, you might think I am nuts right now...and yes at the moment I was...where was my faith?? where was my hope? Faith in the very God  who holds the stars His hands? The very God who created this world?  The one who has the power to do ANYTHING!! where was my faith and why can't I just trust?!?!

It is a battle between all that I know and all that I believe.  I know God is all knowing, He is all powerful, He is the protector and the defender of my family, and He knows my life and my families life from beginning to end. I know that I must live as one with hope, hope in Him.  I just feel like I am getting attacked but I refuse to live a life of fear, I want to walk in full confidence in God and in all that He is...I desire to not only know but to believe all that His word says He is...

These last couple of nights, as I layed in bed, talking with God, expressing my heart (even though he already knows it) I ask for His help, and lean as much as I can...God is really all we have in this life...I know that I, as a woman, mother and wife can only survive in this life by trusting, hoping, leaning and living for Jesus Christ....I long so deeply for that peace...and I must learn to LEAN!


Have any of you mommas felt the same way? or am I the only weirdo out there!! ;)