I wanted to write I a little bit about my journey into becoming a mom. It has been a sweet couple yrs of so many emotions, ups and downs, and a realization of who I am and what the Lord has called me to do in this season of my life.....here it goes....
August 8th, 2008 I took a pregnancy test and surprise! I was pregnant, I was so happy! I went and surprised Moe at work with the positive pregnancy test and a card, it a happy moment for us. But this pregnancy was weird, all I thought about was losing the baby, and the baby not making it. Now that I think about it, I dont know if it was fear, or the Lord preparing me for what was going to happen. I just was on edge all the time, its like I knew something was going to go wrong. Well almost 11 wks into the pregnancy, I started spotting, went to the ER and had a sonogram, I remember looking at Moe, he saw the baby on the screen and smiled so big, but then the news came, the horrible words of "I'm really trying but I cant find the baby's heart". I looked at Moe and his countenance fell, and I just couldn't believe it, what I feared the most just happened. Even the sonogram tech had tears in her eyes. I left the hospital, " You will just pass the baby at home, come back if it is too painful" they said, the pain my heart felt was just horrible. The next morning I woke up in extreme pain, went back to the ER and I felt the baby come out, a sac with a tiny little being in it, the nurses were so good to me, and my mommy flew in just in time. Through all the pain, and hurt, Moe and I were determined to trust God, and not let our hearts get offended.
Well, that Nov just a couple months later, I took a pregnancy test and sure enough a big positive. I cried, not out of only joy but I was so scared and afraid, afraid it would happen all over again, but this time around I just felt the Lord really near, I was just so sure everything was going to be ok. On August 4, 2009 my absolutely beautiful and delightful little princess was born!!! Grace Anna Reyes, the love of my life. O my goodness, when I saw my baby my life just changed. When Grace was born I decided to stay at home with her, I wanted to be with her, I set aside everything I was doing and just wanted to be Grace's mom. I don't think people understood, but every person has their own journey with God, every mother has their own place that God wants them to be at. I will never forget those days, when it was just me and my baby girl at home, just the two of us...sweet sweet memories! The Lord was working on my heart in many areas, and on Moe's heart too and we decided to move back to KC. It was a crazy time for us because not only were we moving with our baby all the way to KC, but SURPRISE baby # 2 was in the womb!!! I honestly cried, I was so shocked, Grace was about to be 8 months, I felt like I was being a bad mom to her for not waiting and now having to force her to share mommy with another baby. It quickly grew on me and I was very happy.
While pregnant with Joshua, I hit the roughest most driest time with the Lord, I rarely felt Him, so I rarely prayed, I was just feeling discouraged, I felt like everyone around me was moving and growing and I was just stuck. I lost that feeling in my heart of just wanting to be home, and be a mom. I had never really understood the importance of motherhood, and I was really missing the days when I spent hrs in the prayer room and leading my sets, I wasnt embracing this new season. On Dec 18, 2010 my life changed once again! My beautiful son was born, I just couldn't believe that I had a son. Now, I was not just a mom of 1 baby but 2!!! I was happy but it felt different, I wasn't enjoying Joshua as much as I enjoyed Grace when she was born. I felt overwhelmed with the fact that I was a mom of 2 now, I was dealing with so many emotions, with breastfeeding challenges and with Joshua's weight loss and jaundice. It was a lot to take in, and I wasn't sure I could handle it! But praise the Lord for his grace, and for His faithfulness to my heart and for a praying husband, I started seeing the light at the end of this dark tunnel I was in.
Something took place in my heart, the Lord did something, He awakend my heart, He gave me a new vision for my children, and fresh revelation of motherhood and who I am as a mother. Being here a part of the IHOP community has really blessed me, they have taught me that being a mom is not "just" being a mom, it is of value and of importance. The Lord has been so faithful in showing me that He has chosen me, has called me to be Grace and Joshuas mom to stay home with them, and lately there has been a burden on my heart to be diligent, to pray, to seek God and to raise my babies for His glory. I had trouble finding joy in this place, but He has given me that joy, He has spoken to my heart and I LOVE that I can stay home and raise my kids for Jesus, that I can teach them and home school them when the time comes. I have now embraced this beautiful calling and this season the Lord has brought me too. I know some may not understand this season, or think I am not using my gifting of worship leading, but I am using my giftings in the secret place called my home, with my babies, and I love it. I know the time will come when my kids are older where I can do things that I used too. But today and right now and for many yrs my place will be here in my home with Grace and Joshua and any other babies the Lord sends my way. This is MY season and I will embrace every sec, min, hr and day!
Grace and Joshua mommy LOVES YOU!
(srry for my grammer, it isn't the best ) =)
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